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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190844">say you won't let go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthelasttrain/pseuds/onthelasttrain'>onthelasttrain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Heathers: The Musical - Murphy &amp; O'Keefe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Fluff, Internal Monologue, Post-Canon, happiness, i love my girls so much, light in the darkness type thing, mac is insecure, trigger warning for anxiety and mentioned suicidal thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:09:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,232</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthelasttrain/pseuds/onthelasttrain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the early hours of the morning, Heather takes a moment to think about just how much she loves Martha.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martha Dunnstock/Heather McNamara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>say you won't let go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>as i mentioned, trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and referenced suicidal thoughts.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Heather rubs her bleary eyes are she starts waking up. Her ceiling is almost black in her dark room, the only source of light being the little yellow nightlight on her table. The lace of her pillow tickles her nose. She rubs her eyes, stretching her limbs out, still sore from cheer practice. She rolls over onto her side and reads 5:45 am on the clock.</p><p>Fuck she thinks, rolling back onto her back. She tries to fall back to sleep, evening out her breathing and lying still on her side, but her body seems to have other ideas. Her eyes blink open of their own accord. She's been doing this a lot recently, waking up before the sun and never getting back to sleep. Her therapist says it may be an anxiety related issue and has told her to discuss it with her mother. As if her mom would listen. Her dad is willing to do nearly anything to get his normal, happy daughter back, but her mother is deaf to everything she says. Honestly, her dad isn't much better, not so much wanting to make her feel better as just wanting her to be able to put up a normal front around him. Be the girl with a smile as bright as his engagement rings. When she was little, she wished for a sibling to make her house feel less alone. Now she wouldn't wish her parents on anyone.</p><p>At least there's two people who look out for her.</p><p>She rolls over onto her side. Martha is fast asleep next to her, her glasses on the table beside the bed. Her lips are parted slightly, soft gentle snores occasionally escaping her as she sleeps.</p><p>There is one plus side to her parents having their heads buried in the sand; they're so backwards they'd never guess what Martha really is to her. So whenever she wants her friend round for an innocent sleepover, how can they say no? Even if they wish it was Chandler or Duke, or hell, even Veronica is better than Martha in their eyes. But not in hers.</p><p>She's not what she expected. Beyond not thinking she was into girls, Heather guesses she never really looked at Martha before, not in the way she does now. She looked down her nose at her, frowning with disdain along with the rest of her former friends. Despite Martha's assurances that she's forgiven, Heather still feels a stab of guilt almost daily for what she did to her. She had a hand in creating all Martha's insecurities and she feels it every time her girlfriend looks down at her body with a frown. Those lunchtimes when Martha is tempted to skip and she and Veronica have to beg her to eat are a cruel reminder of what Heather was like back then. And then she feels worse for making it about herself. The very worst so far was in the early days of their relationship, where Martha pulled away from her in the halls and avoided her between classes until a breakdown in the bathrooms made her confess that she didn't want Heather to be embarrassed by her, and that she's convinced this is a trick. Heather had kissed her red, tear streaked cheeks and promised her that she'd never be embarrassed by her. That she chose her because she wants to be with her.</p><p>She's committed to dedicating every day to reminding Martha she's beautiful the way she is and she doesn't think it will ever be enough.</p><p>She is beautiful though. It's a shame that Ram couldn't see it (well, not his fault, she reasons, he was gay after all). It's a shame no one else could see it, but she is. Her smile; there's no smile like it, brighter than the stars, open and honest and innocent, creating dimples in her cheeks. There's few things Heather loves more than pressing her finger into those dimples. It's amazing how Martha can have gone through what she did and came out of it with a smile that perfect. Then there's her eyes. Oh God, her eyes. The perfect mix of green and blue, framed by her pink-rimmed glasses. If the eyes truly are the windows to the soul, then Martha must have the most beautiful soul in the world. She does, though. Heather isn’t sure there’s a person more kind, patient or generous in the entire world.</p><p>Martha says (not to her but to Veronica, and then Veronica tells her) that she’s surprised that Heather chose her, but in her mind it’s the other way around. She has no idea how this girl, this brilliant, wonderful, kind, compassionate girl, chose her. Why would she choose the girl so cowardly she chose to follow Chandler’s red scrunchie around like a puppet instead of growing a backbone? Who looked and saw people hurt each other and did nothing? Who threw other people in front of her like a shield, so she could walk away with her perfect reputation intact?</p><p>Whatever good Martha sees in her, Heather doesn’t see it herself. Doesn’t mean she’s not trying. She owes it to her, and to herself.</p><p>She reaches over and strokes Martha’s head, pushing her dark hair away from her face, her finger running down her soft cheek, pausing in the spot where the dimple forms when she smiles.</p><p>She wants to be with her forever. Whatever that is. She never really believed in a real future or even thought past high school, even more so now. Not when she can’t see herself living through the day. But whatever her forever is, she wants Martha in it. She wants to look at her face every day and to love her a little bit more every minute.</p><p>She knows what love is now. Now that she’s fully herself, the lesbian she tried to fight back for so long, and she’s loving Martha with everything she is. She feels like she’s still falling sometimes, falling ever deeper, but it’s the one unknown she’s not actually scared of. Other times she’s just floating on the wave of their love, feeling a kind of safe she didn’t think was possible for her.</p><p>She’s going to love Martha until the end of the world, no matter what happens. And sometimes she likes to imagine Martha loving her like that too.</p><p>“Heather?” Martha shifts in her sleep, blinking her bleary eyes half open. Heather checks the clock, finding it 7am now. Over an hour she’s spent, just looking at her, at her girl, and it feels like no time at all.</p><p>“Go back to sleep,” she whispers, running her fingertips up and down her bare arm. “It’s early, baby. Go back to sleep.”</p><p>Martha murmurs something that sounds like an agreement before letting her eyes flutter shut again. Her arm reaches out and wraps around Heather’s waist, tugging gently. Not a demand, an invitation, and one she’ll gladly accept. She lays down, abandoning her side of the bed altogether in favour of pressing her body to Martha’s as she rubs her cheek against the top of her head. When Heather presses a whisper kiss to Martha’s cheek her response is a contented sigh and being pulled closer.</p><p>She may not understand why Martha chose her, but she’s slowly learned not to question the good things that happen to her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and kudos make a happy writer and a happy writer makes fics and fics make a happy fandom.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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